Polyamory: a choice or hard-wired?

I hear a lot of poly people insist that they are ‘born this way’ and couldn’t ever be comfortable in a relationship with only one other person. But on the other end of the spectrum, there are plenty of couples out there who are happy just being monogamous, yet would also be prepared to let another join their family if it worked out that way.

I’ve given a lot of thought to this dichotomy over the years, and I still don’t know whether my own instance of polyamory is one or the other. On the one hand, I know that I can be happy in a monogomus relationship as I had been with Ash in the years before I met Aidan. But at the same time, I feel more at peace knowing I have the both of them to love me in their own way.

Since polyamory is still fairly new (and sometimes, completely unknown) to the wider public, there hasn’t been much research on the topic, let alone specific questions like this one. I think it would be really interesting to see a study on this; to see if polyamory can be chosen as a lifestyle preference, or if it’s more like a sexuality that you are born with. For me, I feel like I’m somewhere in the middle, but with some more self exploration I might start to lean to one side or the other. What about you? Post a comment and let us know if you are polyamorous by choice or hard-wired this way!



3 thoughts on “Polyamory: a choice or hard-wired?

  1. In my case I am definitely hard-wired poly. For a long time I wasn’t willing to give myself permission to act on my poly feelings. I have since accepted that being poly is a defining part of who I am, however that doesn’t mean I cannot have a good relationship with just one partner. In a perfect world I’ve always seen myself as one of four, with two women and two men. But my life isn’t on hold while I look for that. I want to love and be loved, which is why I am happily married to my husband. Do I hope there might be other lifelong partners for us out there? Absolutely. However, if it’s only the two of us in this lifetime? We can still live and love and have happiness in our lives.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Emma!
    I feel I’m hard-wired this way as well. I’ve actually covered this subject in my own blog. I invite you to read “When Someones Say They Love You: Poly and the new society (parts 1 and 2). Hopefully it will help shed some light on your own position.



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