Just an update

So, it’s been a while. I never wanted to stop posting here, but life got in the way. Ash and I are running a business together, which is the main reason I haven’t had the time or energy to blog. But I still get new comments and followers on this blog from time to time, so I figured I at least owe you guys an “I’m not dead” post.

Aidan and I stayed good friends. He is back together with Rose and their relationship has being going strong for almost a year!

My relationship with Ash is still as good as ever, although running a business has left us both stressed and has lead to some petty fights. I guess having something that takes up all your time and energy, but that you still love and have pride in creating, is a lot like having a child. A practice run, maybe?

Of course we are still polyamorous. I have been seeing someone casually, which has been going on for about a year now. There are definitely romantic feelings involved, but we haven’t made anything “official”. So it’s not quite ‘friends with benefits’, but its not quite a relationship either. But that doesn’t bother me. In my experience, its best just to let a relationship be what it is, rather than trying to fit it into a mould and labelling it. We’re all happy, and that’s what matters right now.

Eventually I’ll write up all those articles I’ve been promising, and I definitely want to continue my little #JustPolyThings project… Speaking of which, if you have any ideas, send them in and I’ll draw a cartoon and post it to my blog!

That’s all for now. Thanks to all my extremely patient followers for your continued support :)

-Emma

 

 

 

 

How our family came to be (part 2/2) – with an unexpected ending

No, it’s not a joke this time. Our time together as a triad has come to an end, but I am by no means monogamous now! I drafted today’s post quite a while ago, but when I started it, I had no idea the story would end with Aidan and I parting ways. But life is funny. It never turns out how you expect, you know? Here’s part two – the final chapter – of our story.

Aidan and I were very vague acquaintances online – he’d seen some of my artwork, and we’d crossed paths in various gaming communities. I’m not sure if it was a subconscious decision – or just coincidence – that around the time Ash and I decided we were polyamorous, Aidan and I started talking on Skype. A lot.

At the time, we lived on opposite ends of the state, so we began to video chat every day. We started to fall for each other very quickly. What came next was so perfect it seemed to come straight out of a romantic comedy. Aidan and I finally confessed our love for one another – and that very night, Ash came home and told me he had a job offer in Hobart. Where AIDAN LIVED!

It was almost too good to be true, but thankfully there was no big catch. Aidan and I started going on dates, and around the same time, Ash and Aidan started talking to each other. Having so many interests in common, they immediately became close friends. I was so happy I couldn’t even describe it. The two people I loved got along like a house on fire, and wanted to spend time together, both alone and with me. That’s when I realised this could really work. Having that respect for each other made communication and dealing with jealousy super smooth. A good foundation for a new poly family.

Not long after that, Aidan asked me out and we became an official polyamorous triad. I expected some awkwardness at first, but there was hardly any. We all settled into our new roles pretty comfortably. The honeymoon stage left us all glowing with happiness.

Like it does with every relationship, the NRE slowly wore off. But that was when we started seeing the relationship realistically, and we were all still happy with it. And that’s how it stayed for a long time.

On paper, the relationship was perfect. But there was an issue that kept coming up, and got more serious as time went on. And that was, that Aidan and I were just too similar. We are both passionate about our views and made them heard. We are both stubborn, and let little things get to us. The result was a lot of petty fights.

The relationship started out strong, and those fights didn’t bother us at first. But after three years together, I noticed some of those fights were stemming from deeper issues. And because we both have inflated egos, neither of us wanted to admit that we were wrong. When our emotional minds got in the way of our rationality, it became hard to communicate and we got into petty habits like getting jealous, stretching the truth and expecting each to read the other’s mind. These were all things I was aware I’d done in the past, and thought I’d overcome. But I guess being polyamorous doesn’t make you perfect, and it doesn’t stop your emotions from getting in the way.

Aidan was prepared to work on things and see if they got better, but I didn’t feel the same. I felt like if we continued, it might be better in the short term, but things would just revert back to being crap. And so I was the one who initiated the break up. That’s something I’ve never done before, and hoped never to do. It made things harder for Aidan, which played on my conscience a lot.

It’s now been about a month since we officially split. Things have started looking up for both of us. I feel like a weight’s been lifted off my shoulders, and I feel better about my decision now that the dust has settled. Things have been a little tense between us, but I think we can continue to be good friends in the long term.

Ash and I are still together and there haven’t been any issues between us throught the whole ordeal. In fact, Ash has been a godsend in that he’s been able to mediate and help us to keep the fights from getting too bad. That’s just one more benefit to polyamory- Aidan’s had a close friend and I’ve had a loving partner to help us through the split.

So, that’s the lowdown. It’s not that polyamory doesn’t work; I wouldn’t even say it’s not for me. It’s just a chapter in my life that ended in an unexpected way. But it’s made me grow as a person – cliché, but true. I’ve learned a lot about myself I couldn’t have ever learned in monogamy. And I think I can speak for Aidan when I say he has, too.

Polyamory is still part of who I am – having only one partner doesn’t make me any less poly than being single makes you less hetero or homosexual. And for that reason I plan to continue posting on TTND, but perhaps a little less often. See you around!

-Emma

One year of TTND!

I actually made an entry every month for a whole year!! (only just… some of my entries were posted in the last few hours of the month). Thanks to all my followers who have given me the motivation and inspiration to keep up with this. I have big plans for this blog over the coming year, so stay tuned!

17

-Emma

Bar(r)ed Subjects talks about polyamory!

Man… Posting once a month shouldn’t be that hard. But apparently it is, because I’ve left it till the last second again.

Okay so last month, someone contacted me through my blog. I can now safely assume I have at least one reader. So this guy, Luke, runs a group in Hobart called Bar(r)ed Subjects, where a bunch of people get together over a monthly dinner and talk about stuff that opens their mind. Luke asked me to come along to the group and give a bit of a speech about what it’s like to be polyamorous.

Well… to be honest my first reaction was to decline. I may seem confident from the safety of behind my computer screen, but in real life I am not the type to do public speaking. I am, however, the type to know what I stand for, and to know what’s important to me. This was an opportunity to share an amazing part of my life, and to express why it’s important for others to have the option to explore this lifestyle.

The night went amazingly well. It helped that everyone there was prepared to hear things that challenged them, and came into it with an open mind. In fact, that’s kind of the whole point of the group. But it was still nice, and really refreshing, to be able to talk about something so openly that I usually have to hide, or occasionally get silently judged for.

Ash managed to find some time to come with me, so it was great to have someone there who could add things from a different perspective. Although I got a bit scared and lost my train of thought a couple of times, I managed to get my point across fairly smoothly and the rest of the night was spent enjoying the meal and answering the questions of the other group members.

I never set out to be an activist. But I dunno, it could be where I’m going. Polyamorists are a small minority, so we need whatever voice we can get to educate people and get them thinking about different ways of living and loving. Could I be that voice?

As always, thanks for reading. If I stop updating, don’t panic. It just means I’ve let my laziness get the best of me.

-Emma

Polyamory: a choice or hard-wired?

I hear a lot of poly people insist that they are ‘born this way’ and couldn’t ever be comfortable in a relationship with only one other person. But on the other end of the spectrum, there are plenty of couples out there who are happy just being monogamous, yet would also be prepared to let another join their family if it worked out that way.

I’ve given a lot of thought to this dichotomy over the years, and I still don’t know whether my own instance of polyamory is one or the other. On the one hand, I know that I can be happy in a monogomus relationship as I had been with Ash in the years before I met Aidan. But at the same time, I feel more at peace knowing I have the both of them to love me in their own way.

Since polyamory is still fairly new (and sometimes, completely unknown) to the wider public, there hasn’t been much research on the topic, let alone specific questions like this one. I think it would be really interesting to see a study on this; to see if polyamory can be chosen as a lifestyle preference, or if it’s more like a sexuality that you are born with. For me, I feel like I’m somewhere in the middle, but with some more self exploration I might start to lean to one side or the other. What about you? Post a comment and let us know if you are polyamorous by choice or hard-wired this way!

-Emma

Polyamory and break-ups

If your parents divorced when you were a kid, then you might have been through this before.

Two people you love, two members of your family, started drifting apart. It might have been because of a mistake someone made, or it might just have been something out of anyone’s control. It tore you apart to see those two people hurting. You wanted them to stay together, with you, as one big happy family. You wanted to watch the love grow the more it was shared.

The relationship ended. But maybe it was for the best.

Even though Rose is no longer in a relationship with Aidan, she is still part of our family. She became like a sister to me, and that can’t be undone.

-Emma

Emotional support and polyamory

So far most of my blog posts have been lighthearted stories or resources, with some sarcasm thrown in to disguise my lack of writing skills. But today I’m going to write about something a little different, and a lot more personal to me. Like many women, I have pretty low self esteem when it comes to body image. Combine that with an unhealthy relationship with food and you get an eating disorder.

Being in a polyamorus relationship makes my issues both easier and harder to deal with at times. On one hand, I have two men constantly telling me how beautiful and wonderful I am. But on the other hand, I sometimes have thoughts like “with the way I look, I don’t deserve having two amazing partners.”

The great thing about being polyamorous is that you have twice (or three or four times) as much support. Between the two guys and Aidan’s backward-ass work hours, I have 24 hour access to someone who I can cuddle or talk to about personal stuff. But the best part is that each of the guys have their own way of supporting me. Ash will make cute faces, say silly things to make me laugh, and play games with me to take my mind of things. Aidan will have deep conversations with me and help me get to the core of what’s bothering me. He’ll stay level-headed when my emotional side gets the best of me and offer me practical solutions. Thanks to my two lovely boys, I get the best of both worlds.

9
‘Till next time!

-Emma

The quad next door

So…. We are now technically a quad!!

But I’m not going to change the title of this blog for two reasons. The first one is that I can’t be bothered making a new banner. The second is what I’ll be explaining in this post.

Over the past month, Aidan has become particularly close to a lovely woman called Rose. They share a lot of interests and just generally get on well together. It started off as all new relationships do: they went on dates, counted down the days till they saw each other, and (at least in Aidan’s case) pranced around the house like a love-sick puppy. But of course, there was a big difference in this relationship. Aidan is also dating me- we are polyamorous. Rose knew about this before the relationship had developed, so it wasn’t a surprise or anything. But it was still very interesting for her becoming involved with us. Not only had she gained a boyfriend, but an over-excitable girlfriend-in-law who couldn’t go two seconds being in the same room as them without exclaiming how adorable they were together. But being the easy-going person that she is, Rose went along with it and embraced the strange dynamics.

However, a few nights ago, Aidan and Rose had a very serious talk about their relationship. Rose was beginning to realise that, while she wasn’t jealous or uncomfortable with Aidan having another partner, it wasn’t really what she wanted in the long term. And so it was decided that they would continue their relationship, but perhaps on a more casual level, knowing that it would eventually come to an end.

I was a little surprised, and a bit upset when I heard the news. But, I am extremely glad that Rose realised this now and not months or years down the track. I think all of us are gaining something valuable out of this relationship, even if it doesn’t last forever. Rose had tried something new, and now knows what it is she needs to be comfortable in a long-term relationship. For me, having a metamour for the first time was a wonderful experience. While the feeling was almost completely positive, there was still a little fear and jealousy involved which I learned to deal with in a constructive way. And Aidan had the opportunity to explore his feelings without fear or guilt which was new for him, being monogomus for most of his life.

So that’s the rundown. I plan to write another article soon which focuses more on the thoughts and emotions I have been dealing with regarding Aidan having a second partner. But that’s all for now :)

Stay tuned!

-Emma